The Relationship Books I Recommend to Expecting and New Parents
Nobody warns you that the person you chose to build a family with might become someone you deeply resent once the kids are here. Exhaustion, the intensity of newborn care, and the lack of communal support make it all too easy to experience your spouse as the enemy rather than a teammate.
Psychologists John and Julie Gottman have spent decades researching what makes relationships last. In one of their landmark studies, they found that two-thirds of couples saw their relationship satisfaction decline in the first few years after their first baby arrived (Shapiro et al., 2000).
If you, too, feel a sense of relationship decline right now, that doesn't mean you picked the wrong person. In my work with expecting and new parents, relationship strain is almost always part of the picture, even when it isn't the reason someone first reaches out. Here are five books I recommend to help, and how to get the most out of them.
Preparing for Parenthood by Stephanie Dueger
If you're expecting, start here. Dueger built this book around 55 conversations to have before the baby arrives: roles, money, intimacy, extended family, and what the first weeks will actually look like. Most couples spend more time researching car seats than talking about who's getting up at night. This book changes that ratio. Already have a baby? It still works; you can use it to have the conversations you skipped.
Baby Bomb by Kara Hoppe and Stan Tatkin
This is the one I recommend most often. Hoppe and Tatkin draw on attachment theory and neurobiology to make a simple, radical argument: your partnership needs protecting, not postponing. It's less about date nights and more about how you treat each other under pressure, when you're depleted and short-fused. If you keep having the same fight, this book helps you see the pattern underneath it.
What About Us? by Karen Kleiman
Kleiman is one of the foundational voices in perinatal mental health, and this book is built for people with zero bandwidth (like new parents!). Short sections, comics, and prompts you can get through during a contact nap. It names what anxiety, depression, and sleep deprivation do to a relationship without treating the relationship itself as the problem. It's a good pick if you’re struggling with your mental health.
And Baby Makes Three by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman
The research classic. The Gottmans followed couples through the transition to parenthood and turned what they learned into a six-step plan, with exercises for cooling conflict and rebuilding friendship and intimacy. Fair warning: it's written for a mom-and-dad household. If that's not your family configuration, take the tools and leave the framing.
How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn
Yes, the title is gendered, and the book centers a straight marriage. I'm including it anyway because it's an honest account of the resentment that builds around unequal labor. Dunn is funny and unsparing, including about her own behavior. The fights over invisible work, alone time, and who's "on duty" happen in every kind of partnership. If you're keeping score and it feels like there’s an imbalance in labor between you and your spouse, this book is for you.
Where to start and how to use them
Pick one that feels most intriguing.
Reading an actual book may not be in the cards for you right now, so listening to audio books could be more accessible. These should all be available at your local library in multiple formats.
Read it chapter by chapter at the same pace, if you can.
Set a timer for 15 minutes once a week and talk about one of the parts that stood out to you.
If the conversation starts to escalate, pause and come back to it later. The goal isn't to win an argument or prove you’re “right.” It's to feel like you're on the same side again.
When a book isn't enough
Books can give you language. They can't always hold what's underneath: grief over a birth or pregnancy that didn't go the way you hoped, old attachment wounds that a baby tends to reopen, the loneliness of feeling unseen by the person closest to you. If you've read the books and you're still stuck, that doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It's information.
I work with individuals and couples navigating pregnancy and the early years of parenting, including queer families and people who built their families through fertility treatment, donor conception, or surrogacy. If your relationship feels like it's buckling under the weight of this season, reach out for a consultation. You don't have to figure this out alone.
Reference:
Shapiro, A. F., Gottman, J. M., & Carrère, S. (2000). The baby and the marriage: Identifying factors that buffer against decline in marital satisfaction after the first baby arrives. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(1), 59–70. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.14.1.59
