Why Becoming a Parent Brings Up Old Childhood Wounds (+ 3 Questions for Reflection)

Somewhere in the process of becoming a parent, you likely reflected on your own childhood and what you wanted to do differently than your parents did. It could even be that these reflections took place within the therapy room and began to fortify your identity as a parent.

But once your child(ren) came, issues you thought you’d already dealt with rose to the surface again. It could be that witnessing your child express their needs or even interacting with your parents in the grandparent role triggers an outsized emotional response.

Parenthood has a way of pulling your own childhood material to the surface, even when you have previously “done the work” or you don’t understand the connection between what triggers you and your response.

This is a very common yet not often discussed aspect of parenting. If this has happened to you, you're not imagining it and you’re still a good parent.

It’s not just you being “too sensitive”

I’ve had many parents come into therapy convinced that they’re going to “mess up” their kids or that they’re “not good enough” parents. These thoughts seem to arise after big moments of crying or rage, reacting to their child's needs with an intensity that has nothing to do with the actual situation in front of them.

Caring for a child, especially in moments of that child's distress, activates your own early attachment memories. The particular helplessness of a newborn's cry or the specific yearning of your toddler reaching for you can pull you back to what it felt like to be small and in need yourself. 

This is not speaking metaphorically. Neurologically and emotionally, parenthood puts you back in contact with your own early experience of being cared for, or not being cared for in the way you needed.

What the research says

One study examined how early childhood experiences shape a parent's capacity to understand and respond to their own child's inner world (San Cristobal et al., 2017). The researchers found that transitioning into parenthood is a period in which the self reorganizes, and that reorganization tends to trigger memories and experiences tied to childhood (San Cristobal et al., 2017). In other words, the attachment system doesn't stay quiet once you become a parent; it gets activated, again and again, by the daily work of caregiving.

The study also found that parents with a history of childhood physical and emotional neglect showed a harder time recognizing and responding to their child's mental and emotional states (San Cristobal et al., 2017). Without the lived experience and modeling of attending to children’s needs, a parent can struggle to do so with their own children (not for lack of want!).

The same body of work makes clear that when parents revisit painful childhood experiences and fully process them with a trained mental health professional, it can result in a wholly different feel to parenting. The good news? You don’t need to have a perfect, wound-free childhood with secure attachment in order to be the parent your child(ren) needs you to be.

Three reflections to unlock insight about your childhood

You don't need a full accounting of your childhood to shift your experience. You need curiosity, presence, and grace to slow down a reaction that feels disproportionate and asking what it's actually connected to. Here are three ways to deepen your understanding of your own childhood.

Get curious.

The next time a reaction to your child feels bigger than the situation warrants, document or name exactly what happened right before it: what your child did, what you felt in your body, and any other details. 

Reflect on the source.

When you catch yourself having a big reaction to your child, ask: Who does this sound like? Is there someone who responded to me this way when I was that age (or who didn't respond at all)? 

Here, you're not looking for someone to blame. You're looking for the blueprint you're currently working from.

Track the phrase.

Notice if a specific line runs through your head in these moments, something like “why are you so needy?!” or  "kids should be seen and not heard" or "I have to handle this myself." Often, phrases like these belong to someone else, from somewhere else, and have nothing at all to do with you.

None of this means every hard moment with your child traces back to your own childhood. Sometimes a rough morning is just a rough morning. But when the intensity doesn't fit the moment, these three prompts tend to point somewhere specific.

Being able to name the difference between what your child needs from you right now and what younger you needed and didn't get is an incredible gift you can give to your children. Over time, that distinction becomes easier to make in real time, in the middle of an actual bedtime meltdown, not just in hindsight.

Parenting is not always about becoming someone entirely different from your own parents. It's about knowing which parts of how you were raised are still operating in you, on autopilot, and which ones you get to keep or set down on purpose.

Reference

San Cristobal, P., Santelices, M. P., & Miranda Fuenzalida, D. A. (2017). Manifestation of trauma: The effect of early traumatic experiences and adult attachment on parental reflective functioning. Frontiers in Psychology, 8, Article 449. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00449