What Happens in an Intended Parent Consultation (& Why It's Different From What You Expect)
If you’re building your family via assisted reproductive technologies such as IUI or IVF, you’ve probably already spent a significant amount of time meeting new medical professionals and attending appointments. You know how a clinical consultation typically works: information delivered, questions answered, next steps outlined.
An intended parent consultation with a reproductive mental health therapist is not that.
If you’re moving forward with egg donation, sperm donation, or embryo donation, a psychological consultation is typically required by your fertility clinic before the transfer is scheduled. An intended parent consultation isn’t just a formality, an item added to the checklist from your fertility clinic.
It’s a conversation where someone addresses your hopes, fears, and questions about becoming a parent through this process, and provides evidence-based information about the how and when of talking to your future child about their conception.
What a Recipient Parent Consultation Covers
An intended parent consultation is designed to help you explore the emotional, psychological, and relational considerations of creating your family with the help of a donor or surrogate.
Unlike a quick informational call, this consultation is an in-depth conversation tailored to your unique circumstances, values, and goals.
There is a clinical piece, yes. We’ll talk about your path to this decision: what led you here, what options you considered, and what the process has been like so far. We’ll talk about your understanding of donor conception, what boundaries might be enacted around the donor, and what disclosure might look like for your family.
And, the conversation can go deeper than that to address thoughts and feelings that perhaps have not been spoken about anywhere else.
We can talk about the grief that can live alongside the hope. For example, the loss of a biological connection you expected to have, or the complicated feelings about using a donor when you’re not sure yet how you feel about it.
We can talk about the jealousy you feel toward people for whom family building was not this involved, and the shame about the jealousy.
We can talk about your anxiety: the particular spiral you run, the moment it usually hits, what happens in your body when you’re waiting for test results.
Importantly, we can talk about ways to cope, about what you might need in order to feel steady and confident enough to move forward.
What an Intended Parent Consultation Is Not
Understandably, you might be inclined to show up to your consultation wanting to perform as “the model parent” or “the ideal couple.”
It is not an evaluation designed to “screen you out.” It is not a test of your readiness to be a parent or someone looking for reasons to reject your file.
It is not a session where you have to perform okay-ness. You do not have to arrive with your grief wrapped up neatly. You do not have to have resolved the complicated feelings you might have about egg, sperm, or embryo donation to deserve support through the process.
People who come in carrying the most difficult things–ambivalence, unresolved loss, grief that predates this cycle–often find this session to be the first time someone has met them where they actually are. Where they can talk about the things that weigh heavy on their heart and feel a sense of relief and confidence at its conclusion.
What You Can Expect to Leave With
One of the things I hear most often after an intended parent consultation is some version of: I didn't know I needed that.
Your report will be sent to your fertility clinic and you’ll leave with that to-do checked off your list, yes.
But you’ll also leave having been heard—specifically, not generically—in something that has probably been difficult to articulate. You will have a clearer picture of where any anxiety or grief is focused, and how to address it.
A Chance to Slow Down and Process
Some parents come to third party reproduction after years of infertility treatment, while for others it’s their only option for family building. My consultations are welcoming and affirming for all intended parents, including queer couples and single parents by choice.
If you’re preparing for a donor egg, sperm, or embryo cycle, I offer intended/recipient parent consultations in-person in Pasadena and via telehealth throughout California.
You do not have to arrive with the right words. Bring exactly what you have.
