Grieving an Unhappy Childhood as an LGBTQ+ Parent
Parenthood is often framed as a journey of joy, discovery, and love. But for LGBTQ+ parents who grew up with unhappy childhoods, raising children can also bring up deep emotional wounds. The experience of parenting can serve as a mirror, reflecting the pain of our own pasts, forcing us to grieve what we lacked while striving to create something better for our children. This process can be challenging, but it can also be transformative, allowing us to heal, redefine family, and break cycles of trauma.
The Complexities of Grieving an Unhappy Childhood
Grief is often associated with the loss of a loved one, but it can also arise from what we didn’t get to experience. Many LGBTQ+ individuals grow up in environments that are not accepting, experiencing rejection, isolation, or even abuse. Others may have had parents who, though well-intentioned, were unable to provide the love, stability, or support they needed.
For LGBTQ+ parents, childhood wounds may resurface as they raise their own children. Moments of joy—watching a child reach a milestone, receiving an unsolicited “I love you,” or simply tucking them into bed—may trigger deep sorrow for what was missing in their own upbringing. This paradox of joy and grief can be confusing and difficult to navigate.
Breaking Cycles and Reparenting Yourself
One of the most powerful aspects of parenting is the opportunity to break cycles of trauma. As LGBTQ+ parents, we can choose to provide what we never received: unconditional love, emotional safety, and an affirming environment. However, this also means confronting the pain of our own childhoods.
Reparenting is a concept that refers to giving yourself the care, love, and support you needed as a child. It’s an essential part of the healing process. Some ways to engage in reparenting include:
Acknowledging your inner child: Recognizing and validating your younger self’s pain, rather than minimizing or dismissing it.
Practicing self-compassion: Speaking to yourself with kindness, patience, and understanding, just as you would with your child.
Creating new traditions: Establishing family rituals and experiences that foster love and connection, helping to redefine what family means.
Seeking therapy: Processing childhood wounds with the help of a therapist, especially one who understands the intersectionality of being LGBTQ+ and a parent.
Navigating Triggers and Emotional Challenges
Certain parenting moments may be particularly triggering. Witnessing your child receive the love and affirmation you never had may bring up feelings of jealousy, sadness, or even anger. Conversely, disciplining your child may cause fear that you are repeating the patterns of your own upbringing. These emotions can be overwhelming, but acknowledging them without shame is an important step toward healing.
When triggers arise, consider the following strategies:
Pause and reflect: Take a deep breath and identify what is being activated within you.
Seek community support: Connecting with other LGBTQ+ parents or individuals with similar childhood experiences can be validating and healing.
Journal your feelings: Writing about your emotions can provide clarity and allow you to process grief in a constructive way.
Develop self-soothing techniques: Whether through mindfulness, art, exercise, or nature, find ways to regulate your emotions in moments of distress.
Finding Joy and Healing Through Parenthood
Despite the pain of grieving an unhappy childhood, parenthood offers a unique opportunity for healing. As LGBTQ+ parents, we can redefine family on our own terms, fostering a home that is accepting, loving, and emotionally safe. Witnessing our children grow up in environments of affirmation and care can be deeply healing, reminding us that change is possible and that we are not bound by the past.
Parenting is not about perfection—it’s about presence. It’s about showing up, even when it’s hard. It’s about choosing love over fear, connection over avoidance, and growth over stagnation. By grieving our pasts while actively building a better present, we teach our children (and ourselves) that love, healing, and transformation are always possible.
If you are an LGBTQ+ parent grappling with the grief of an unhappy childhood, know that you are not alone. Your pain is valid, your healing is possible, and the love you give your child is rewriting history in the most profound way. Reach out today if you’d like support with processing your childhood while parenting.
