The Emotional Toll of Infertility on Couples (+ 4 Coping Strategies)
When you imagined building a family, you may have pictured it unfolding easily–as in, once you decided that you were ready to be a parent, you would have a clear path and timeline to achieving that goal. But when the path is complicated by infertility or unexplained infertility, it can shake the foundation of even the strongest relationships.
The process of third-party reproduction–decision making, medical appointments, and emotional highs and lows is not just a physical journey — it’s also deeply relational. As a reproductive therapist, I’ve seen how this season of life can test communication, intimacy, and connection for couples, but also how it can create profound closeness when prioritized as an important source of support.
This blog post discusses the emotional impact of infertility on couples and provides five coping strategies to practice that will help you stay connected during this stressful season.
The Emotional Impact of Infertility
Infertility is more than a medical diagnosis. It’s often an invisible grief — a series of monthly losses, deferred dreams, and unanswered questions. Research shows that the emotional distress of infertility can be as intense as that experienced by people facing serious illnesses like cancer (Domar et al., 1992).
For many couples, these emotions spill into the home life and relationship. One partner may cope by researching and planning, spending endless hours on Reddit, while the other may withdraw, suppress their emotions, or need extra reassurance.
Differences in coping styles can lead to misunderstandings or tension. Many feel pressure to “stay positive,” “be strong,” or “keep trying,” even when exhaustion sets in. It’s not unusual to feel disconnected and frustrated with one another, even when both people are hurting and ultimately want the same thing.
How Fertility Treatments Can Strain Connection
The logistics and decisions involved with third-party reproduction — IVF, IUI, egg donation, or surrogacy — can become overwhelming. Appointments, medications, financial decisions, and lifestyle adjustments consume time and energy. Intimacy may feel scheduled or clinical. Conversations shift from shared dreams to lab results and medical updates.
This doesn’t mean something is wrong with your relationship — it’s a normal response to a high-stress situation. However, research has found that infertility is associated with lower relationship satisfaction when emotional needs go unaddressed (Peterson et al., 2003).
Four Coping Strategies for Couples Trying to Conceive
Here are some strategies that fertility therapy and infertility counseling often highlight to help couples stay grounded and connected.
1. Prioritize emotional check-ins
Create time for conversations that aren’t about fertility treatments. For example, if you go out to dinner, make a rule that you’ll only talk about trying to conceive until the appetizers arrive.
During these check-ins, ask each other how you’re really doing and listen without problem-solving. Reflect back what you heard without trying to fix it or make the feelings go away. Small moments of honest connection can restore a sense of partnership, the sense that “we’re in this together.”
2. Normalize different coping styles
It’s common that each person in the couple will respond to stress in their own way. There could be one member of the couple who spends much of their free time researching options, statistics, and stories and one member who internally processes their emotions and feels they have to “stay strong” for the other person.
Instead of making assumptions about what your spouse or partner is thinking or feeling or judging these differences as wrong, approach them with curiosity and compassion. Naming how you’re coping and giving the other person an opportunity to share how they are coping could be illuminating. Naming your unique coping patterns reduces conflict and strengthens trust.
3. Broaden what intimacy looks like
Intimacy often looks completely different while coping with infertility. There could be pressure to have sex in a narrow window of time, it could feel pointless or like you’re just going through the motions, or maybe you notice that you dissociate during the experience. It could be sex is nonexistent or too fraught to engage with.
There is an opportunity during this season to broaden your experience of intimacy in your relationship. Kissing, hugging, or other demonstrations of affection without an agenda keep the relationship fires alive. Create new rituals, find humor in the parts you can, or revisit favorite activities from your early days of dating.
4. Seek professional support early
Infertility counseling isn’t just for couples in crisis. A fertility counselor or reproductive therapist can help you process emotions, navigate decisions, and protect your relationship through every stage of treatment.
If you’re feeling stuck, conflicted, or grieving the path you hoped to take, fertility counseling can help you decide the next step. Therapy can be a useful tool to consider your options without pressure or judgment.
The Hope in Infertility Counseling
Infertility is an incredibly isolating and stressful experience, and your partner plays a big role in reducing that isolation and decreasing your stress. With intention, it’s possible to keep your bond strong and even strengthen your connection during your fertility journey.
As a fertility counselor specializing in queer family building, IVF counseling, fertility therapy, and counseling for infertility, I work with couples to navigate reproductive challenges while prioritizing emotional health and relational strength. Whether you’re considering third-party reproduction, preparing for another round of IVF, or simply needing space to reconnect, support is available.
Schedule a free consultation with me to explore fertility counseling — or if you’re already engaged in third-party reproduction treatment, book an intended parent consultation to receive personalized support for your next steps. Together, we’ll create room for both your family-building hopes and your relationship to thrive.
References:
Domar, A. D., Broome, A., Zuttermeister, P. C., Seibel, M., & Friedman, R. (1992). The prevalence and predictability of depression in infertile women. Fertility and Sterility, 58(6), 1158–1163.
Peterson, B. D., Newton, C. R., & Feingold, T. (2003). Coping processes of couples experiencing infertility. Family Relations, 52(3), 233–239.
